Alone

Life went on. I wanted to be close to Bhagavan somehow. I was working in a town which was 4 hours bus journey from Guwahti, the place where He lived. It happened just when I was loosing all expectation. I was finally transferred to Guwahati, Assam in the year 1996. I started living in the Ashram and started to prepare myself for the life that was evident, a life of a monk. Living there, I concentrated on the spiritual practices while carrying on with the job. Oneday, while meditating in the Ashram in Guwahati, I realized the falseness of this world. It was abrupt and strong. I could see everything is just a fine piece of decoration having no substance, everything was like a hollow cylinder which had no end. I'm alone. I have no one by my side. Everything is just but an illusion. I was terrified by this sudden and abrupt realization. I loved all and wanted to be loved. It was a huge blow to me. I became restless, what should I do now? After knowing this truth which appeared so bitter then, one feels like dying. I was very disturbed I could see the futility in all relationship, a mother son relation, a friends relationship, etc. But, I could feel the relationship I had with Bhagavan was not false or hollow. It was because of this love that he wanted me to know this falseness. Still, I was terrified, because I loved all and wanted to be loved. On the second evening, I started praying Bhagavan to help me cope up with this reality. The solution came after a day again in the meditation, "though the world is unreal, you have to follow the same path the enlightened(Mahajans) had undertaken. You have to love knowing everything is false." Clear and simple was the answer. I didn't think this was actually the greatest knowledge for a person who wants to Love..... I left all aspirations of being loved and concentrated completely on giving. Little later did I realized how helpless human being are. They can only receive, they can't give. The realization which added to my sufferings without proper understanding actually showed me the greatest light. I'm alone its true, but not lonely, I am one always. Oneday just to know how He felt, I asked Him," How could you love this world so much knowing that this is false?" He started to laugh. He said, " You will get this answer oneday." The ninth letter of Swami Pavitranandaji follows: Letter number 9
Sri Ramakrishna Saranam
Janai, 13-10-1979
Dear,
I received your letter dated 01-10-1979 where you have conveyed your salutations on the occasion of Vijaya. There has been a little delay in answering. With the grace of Sri Thakur we are all well. I prayed to Sri Sri Ma that you also remain all-round well mentally and physically. Carefully meditate upon the difference in space and sequence that we experience through our senses in the conscious state and the difference of space and sequence or time that we experience in the dreaming state. Time space and causality (the relationship between cause and effect) is Maya -and in the object beyond Maya this does not exist. The object beyond Maya is the real Truth -that is Atman or my real nature. What is the relationship between the Atman or real 'I' with the deep slumber, dreaming state and conscious state? Can 'I' be these states? 'I' or the Absolute Existence is beyond this. Read the literatures of Swami Vivekananda and Bhagavan Sankaracharya fearlessly. Know my best wishes. I received your earlier letter also. Yours, Swami Pavitrananda. (This letter was written to Guruma which was enclosed with the earlier one.) In the Divine presence of the Mother, I received your celebrations of Vijaya. We are also very good here. Read the life of Sri Sri Ma. By this you will know how to lead a life in this world and how to gain peace and prosperity. Only human beings can become devoted to God, is it possible for other creatures? I convey my best wishes to you and your child. Yours, Maharaj. (That the Guru is both the mother and the father, is the object of realization in this life)